I have this wonderfully awful habit of loving deeply, and being hurt deeply.
I don’t know why, or how I trust over and over agin, yet I do.
At this point I know if I met someone I would instinctually trust again, however I am afraid that if a/the relationship would escalate I would push back in an attempt of preemptive self-defense.
Every time I think my fears are proven wrong… There proven right.
As much as I want to trust, and love, and be loved I am to tiered of being betrayed and broken. Again, and again.
Do you know how utterly heartbreaking it is to want to love someone, to be convinced to trust them, to give up a part of the shield around your heart, and then left?
I’m not strong.
I wish I was.
Being hurt, and betrayed over, and over again dose not create strength, or character.
It weakens you, corrodes your trust in human goodness and honesty.
You constantly look over your shoulder wondering when the attack - the sneaky, subtle, destructive pain of someone you love not caring that there reinforcing a dark circle.
I give up, stop believing in miracles, then a miracles comes, and turns into a curse breaking my heart once again.
I wish vulnerability was not tied to loving. I wish impossible did not seem like such a reality.
I can’t give up on loving because I cannot give up on me.
I cannot turnoff my heart, and I can’t turn off my fear, especially if I keep hurting.